Thursday, May 31, 2012

The Worst, Jerry. The Worst

Although we've not had a ton of time to go to the movies lately, we've been out to a couple. The Avengers is just freakin' awesome, and What to Expect When You're Expecting had Anna Kendrick1, Chace Crawford and Chris Rock being woefully underused but still in it.

But, I got to thinking about some of the worst movies I've seen. Now, there are plenty of crappy movies, but I think everyone's got a special place in them for the ones that, for whatever reason, rub you the complete wrong way. They aren't necessarily going to be historically bad - and, quite frankly, how fun is it if everyone has the same five least or most favourite movies - but they seem to stick with the individual watcher as historically bad in their universe.

So, without further adieu, The Mike Statement's Top-5 Worst Movies (not in any particular order):


Mission to Mars

This was released about seven months before Red Planet, and while it too was not exactly Oscar-worthy, I wish I'd waited. I remember seeing Mission to Mars with Nad and a group of others that were trying to convince us that they'd heard awful reviews and it would probably suck. We chose not to listen.

Then Tim Robbins took his helmet off and became an Activist-Pop.






Solaris

I wanted Solaris to be good. It wasn't. There's this rotating anti-gravity sex scene, and just layers upon layers psychological drama. Carley and I went to see this, but were both too shy to admit that it really wasn't all that good.




Spider-Man 3

I enjoy comic-inspired movies. I enjoyed the first two Spider-Man films. I did not enjoy Spider-Man 3, and the sincere disappointment I felt in it lands it on this list. It's not a great sign when a movie flops badly enough that they scrap a cash cow of a fourth installment and completely reboot the franchise.




10,000 BC

Camilla Belle has pretty eyes in this movie. And there...the positive aspects end. Ostensibly, this is a love story/slave revolt film, but by the end of it, you just feel dirty - both due to the lack of any recent bathing that has taken place in the movie and because "The Almighty" clearly has a trunk full of squirrel heads.




Envy

Made well before Ben Stiller had to make his own movies and Jack Black had to go seriously off-type to get work, Envy's such a big piece of crap that even it's central plot device couldn't fix it (see what I did there?).



And there you have it - a collection of cinematic crap, from me to you. I'm not saying they're the worst movies of all-time, and some are not without their charm, but for whatever reason, they've each stuck in my mind as, personally, my five most hated movies.

1 - Have I mentioned my Anna Kendrick problem? [1][2][3]

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